January 2023: Good Inside
Title:Good Inside
Author:Becky Kennedy
Publisher:Harper Wave
Genre: Non-Fiction-Self Help
Pages: 336
Rating: 3.5/5 Stars
Summary: Dr. Becky talks about parenting, but also talks about how we can reflect on how we were parented. The biggest takeaway would include thinking about what mannerisms/behaviors brought me closer to my parents and what brought me shame and distance. The last bit of the book discusses parenting techniques for various problems, and this is where the book slowed down for me. I had to buy the audiobook and skip over the parts that felt tedious and not applicable to my life.
Memorable Quotes:
“Self-blame is another common coping mechanism for kids whose parents don’t attempt reconnection after tough moments.” ― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“As a result, many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“You’re upset, that’s real, I see that.” Invalidation, or the act of dismissing someone else’s experience or truth, would sound like this: “There’s no reason to be so upset, you’re so sensitive, come on!” Remember, all human beings—kids and adults—have a profound need to feel seen in who they are, and at any given moment, who we are is related to what we are feeling inside.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“Here’s the big takeaway: kids wire themselves to adapt to their early environment, forming expectations about the world based on the data they take in; that early wiring impacts how they think about themselves and others long after childhood.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“Imagine your child has an emotional bank account. The currency in this bank account is connection, and their behavior at any moment reflects the status of their account, how full or depleted it is. I mentioned earlier the idea of this “connection capital”—when we really connect with a child, see their experience, allow for their feelings, and make an effort to understand what’s going on for them, we build our capital. Having a healthy amount of connection capital leads kids to feel confident, capable, safe, and worthy. And these positive feelings on the inside lead to “good” behavior on the outside—behavior like cooperation, flexibility, and regulation. So in order to create positive change, we have to first build connection, which will lead kids to feel better, which will then lead them to behave better. But note, behavior comes last. We cannot start there. We must start with connection.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“So if our general goal is to support and not solve, or tolerate and not escape, then to build resilience in our kids, we should be guided by one question: am I helping my kid tolerate and work through this distress, or am I encouraging my child to avoid and beeline out of the distress? We want the first, not the second.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“However, while reinforcing our kid’s people-pleasing tendencies can be “convenient” in childhood, it can lead to major problems—a reluctance to say no, an inability to assert or even locate one’s own needs, a prioritization of other people’s wellness to the detriment of one’s own—later on.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
“Wow, those are big words, let me take a breath . . . I hear how upset you are. Tell me more.”
― Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
Links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvqxYCF4EbQ
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4TJagwLiVlN7azAbwnpFmN?si=7pye4ICBTXmSbbAvH-S5Jg
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